Woman Sparks Debate as Biggest 'Friendship Icks' Go Viral

A woman has sparked a debate online after sharing her experiences with "friendship icks." Amber Akilla, a YouTuber who hosts the podcast Friend Crush With Amber Akilla, told Newsweek she believed "the foundation of a healthy society comes from healthy friendships." "A lot of relationship content focuses on a romantic lens, so I try and provide a different POV," she said. On November 12, Akilla, who also works as a DJ and music producer in Shanghai, posted a video to her TikTok account @amberakilla that has proved popular on the site, racking up more than 360,000 views. In the clip, she said: "People talk about romantic and dating icks a lot, but I don't see that many people talking about friendship icks. And I feel in your late 20s, early 30s, that's a really big life transition phase." She added that everyone had a different journey and that she wasn't calling any set of behaviors good or bad. Instead, she was commenting on "what's compatible and maybe not compatible."

Akilla said in the video, "It can become really obvious who has done inner work on themselves and who hasn't; who has dealt with their insecurities or learnt to manage their insecurities and who hasn't; who has is, you know, living and navigating their personal life with intention and who isn't." She continued: "As you grow in one direction and you interact with certain people that you might have known for a few years—and maybe just on a surface level just assumed that you guys are moving in the same direction because you communicate on a regular basis and you hang out, whatever—little things are kind of flagged that you don't wanna make a big deal about … But you're like: 'I don't really know if I agree with that point of view. I'm not really sure that I would handle things that way.'" Akilla said that after experiencing such moments enough times, a person may have the "final friend ick," in which they realize "we are actually living in totally different realities, and my assumption that we have had the same values has kind of been a bit off." This doesn't necessarily mean the friend is a bad person or should be cut off. Instead, Akilla said, people should recognize which friends they still genuinely connect with and which they have outgrown, where "further investing in this relationship would actually just lead to conflict." "People actually can't change just because you want them to," she said, urging viewers to instead consider taking a step back from incompatible friends.

Many viewers found Akilla's video relatable, with hundreds commenting on the clip to share their own "friendship icks." "Friends who hang out with people they've told you they don't like," one user commented. "Lack self-awareness and can't ever take accountability so they can never take criticism and improve, ppl who are always sorry but never better," another added. A commenter said their ick was "friends who don't read the news or care about what's going on in the world." "I understand we are adults, we busy, and plans change, but people consistently being late canceling plans (obvs illness aside) is a huge one for me," another wrote. A 1990 study on the U.S. adult population found that 33 percent of people surveyed had 10 or more close friends, while 3 percent reported having no close friends. The same survey taken in 2021 found that 12 percent of people reported having no close friends, while 13 percent considered themselves to have 10 or more, according to Statista. Akilla told Newsweek: "A lot of relationship content for women is focused on how to 'get' a man, as if desirability is where women's value is derived, but I think many women have the privilege of being able to pursue self-actualization—which allows people to then pursue connection and romance more authentically." Have you noticed any red flags that made you end a relationship? Let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.